Parenting 201: Parenting the Parent

 So, your kid has moved out, is off at college, or is simply just adulting on their own. You and the other parental unit are planning some boom-chicka-wow-wow moments, trips to places you have never been or just setting up regular dates for the two of you. Life is good! 

You and your spouse high five each other and are like "We totally aced this parenting bit! Now it's us time!" But then, just as you are about to hit "book trip" on that island vacation you had been wanting to go on forever, everything changes. 

Your parent now needs parenting! 

There could be a number of reasons that you suddenly have become the parent to your parent. Maybe you are just bored since your kid is out of the house and feel the urge to nag them. Maybe you have lost a parent and are helping the surviving parent out. There could be health reasons that have you getting more involved in their daily activities. Whatever the case may be, just when you thought the parenting gig was over...you realize it's not. You just have new students.

My father recently passed away. Though he was almost 80 and had health issues, it was still a shocker when you get "the call". It also made me realize how much he had taken over the household duties over the past few years, and also made me realize that my moms memory issues were worse than I had thought. 

I could have been in denial. I mean, at least with my dad alive, I knew there was someone to watch out for her. But once he was gone I found out that she really didn't have a grasp on what all was going on. I knew she had memory issues. I had been at doctor appointments with her when they mentioned she was showing signs of cognitive decline, and she had to be reminded repeatedly of appointments and such. But with my father as a shield I did not see how bad it was. 

So there we are, just about to live out our empty-nester years and suddenly my dad dies, my mom doesn't want to stay at her house (and I didn't really want her) and I find myself with a new resident in my house and someone else's bills that I need to make sure get paid. 

Here is the thing...no matter what age you are at in raising your child, basically the same rules apply. My friend was a preschool teacher for years and always said it wasn't much different than dealing with her teenage daughter. I'll let you in on a little secret - it really isn't much different when you are parenting a parent. I find myself using the same tactics or having the same conversations with my mom that I have had with my daughter in the last few years. In fact, my husband and I were talking about my mom one night and I stopped and was like "Wait, this sounds familiar!" It was familiar because I had just recently gone through the same issues with my daughter! 

Welcome to Parenting 201: Parenting the Parent. Good Luck and I hope you all ace the course!

Friend or Foe?

When your child is younger, you are told "Don't be their friend". That it is okay to be friendly with your child but you are not their friend. You are their parent and you need to enforce rules and boundaries. 

But then one day something changes. They are now officially an adult (well in the eyes of the law). So the question is, are they a friend or foe? 

I am realizing more and more that this stage of parenting is the hardest. Your child has become their own person, with their own ideas and beliefs. They may have moved out or gone off to school. They still have so much to learn but what they do is really out of your control now. The only way you may have the upper hand is if they are still living under your roof or if you are helping them with continuing education. I mean, nothing is more fun than saying "As long as you live under my roof..." or fanning the dollar bills as a reminder of who is paying for their schooling. 

So are you friends with them now? Or still the enemy? The one who makes them follow rules and tells them what to do? It is so hard to know, and is it even possible? I mean you've had 18 years of being their parent, will you ever be able to flip the switch and not try to parent them? 

My kiddo was home for almost a month over the holidays. For the most part we got a long pretty well. I didn't feel like she was the sullen teenager that rolled her eyes at everything I said. There were a few times when her attitude made an appearance, and it was still like pulling teeth to get her to do a simple chore, but for the most part she was funny, smiling and having intellectual conversations with us. We've had talks about her future and she isn't snapping at us that we don't understand. It actually seems like maybe she is listening to us, and at least filing what we have said to her away for future reference. 

We dropped her off at the airport today. Why am I so sad? I mean, for the next month I don't have to have her critique my outfits, or have her get annoyed when I have to scratch an itch (seriously, she was like "Mom, don't scratch!). 

So again I ask...friend or foe? Friend...or....foe.... 😀

Let's Netflix and Chill

And yes...I know what that phrase really means. And no, this post will not need parental advisory. So, uncover those eyes and remove that cringed look from your face and let's get started.

A few months ago we decided to get rid of our satellite service. For one it was expensive, and two it seemed like, even with 100 of channels, there was never anything on. On top of that, a lot of shows, specials or movies we wanted to watch were on some type of streaming service. With a kid in college and all those new expenses that came with it we decided it was time to say goodbye to satellite.

Which brings me back to Netflix and chilling. In our case, it's just that. We watch Netflix and chill on our couch together. So, what are we watching? Well, we recently finished watching the show Lucifer and then went and re-watched it from the beginning.

Here is what is fun about this show - it has intrigue, romance, comedy, fights and even a bare bum or two (well at least once it moved to Netflix!). It's a show both Chad & I can enjoy. Though the main character may be The Devil, there is so much more to it than that. It's about family and becoming your better self and just how far you will go to protect your child or family.

We had started to watch the show years ago when it was on Fox. Then Fox cancelled it and, thankfully, Netflix picked it up for its last 3 seasons. Due to the lag between seasons because of the cancellation and the reboot on Netflix, it had been a while since we originally started watching it. I had so many questions or things I had forgotten that by the time we got to the final episode of season 6 I was like "I must watch this show again!" And thanks to Netflix...I can!

So like the day after the series finale I was like "I am going to watch Lucifer from the beginning tonight!" Chad walked in and asked me what I was watching. At first, I was a wee bit embarrassed but then he sat down and started watching it with me, and for the next week or so that became our nightly ritual. Some nights, when he was off with a friend or running an errand, I snuck in a few episodes by myself but, for the most part, we re-watched the show together.

Yeah, we probably could have done this even without our kid being off at college but, you know if she was home, she would just roll her eyes and be like "Why are you still watching this? Can I watch something now?"

Streaming shows or movies we want to watch means actually making a conscience decision on sitting down and watching something together. It means dedicating time to that show (and paying attention, especially when Netflix asks if you are still watching!). Do I miss satellite? Maybe just a little because sometimes I would turn on the TV just for the background noise with no real care as to what I was watching. But honestly, I am enjoying spending time with the hubby and finding new shows or re-watching older ones together.

So let's go Netflix and Chill!

Happy, Sad, Happy Sad....Happy? Sad?

One thing I have come to realize with my new empty nest status is that my emotions are all over the place. One minute I am like "I am so happy for my child! She is going to do such great things!" then the next minute I am like "But did I teach her everything she needs to know? How will she be able to survive out in the world without me!" 

I am happy that I have my house back without some little know-at-all teenager telling me where I should put things and how I should decorate, or you know...think she had a right to channel check and watch whatever she wanted even though I was already sitting down watching something. But I also miss the extra company while watching a silly reality TV show, or the random cuddles I would get while watching said TV show. 

I miss my child's witty comments and silliness, but then the flipside I am enjoying not having someone argue with me about everything. I mean EVERYTHING....every...little...thing. Boy can that girl argue! 

I found myself the other day getting all misty eyed because I was thinking about my kiddo and got sad. Minutes prior I had been all happy and go lucky and then like a flip of a switch....

Sigh....Seriously I think this has been the hardest part of being a parent. Sleepless nights? No biggie! Sick kiddo? Piece of cake! Watching your child become an adult? STRESSFUL!

The back and forth of my emotions had me thinking about a scene from the Disney movie Tangled. I think this pretty much sums it up!

Where have all my bagels gone?

And where are all my leftovers?

Oh wait...my kid is away at college. No one is eating my bagels or my leftovers!

So, I bought a package of bagels the other day. In the past these would have probably been gone within a day or two with both Shelby & I eating them. So, with that frame of mind, I was shocked when I went to the pantry and was like "Oh yeah, I still have bagels!" 

I don't know if this is a good or bad thing. I mean, I was always kind of annoyed when she would expect bites of my food or sips of my drinks (but God forbid I want a taste or sip of any of hers!). She would ask me if it was okay to eat my leftovers, and cheesecake would not sit in my fridge for longer than a day or two (yes, we have had cheesecake that has lasted for DAYS!). But food never went to waste so we weren't just throwing money away on food. 

Now I am not saying my kid ate a lot, because she really didn't. I guess I just got used to her sneaking bites and finishing my food if I didn't want it. Leftovers wouldn't stay left over for more than a day

This is just one of the things you aren't told when your child becomes an adult and moves out or goes off to college. Before they leave you just think "Oh my grocery bill will go down! How exciting!" You don't think for a second that you will miss those little fingers sneaking behind you to grab your food to take a nibble. 

It's an adjustment. I mean for at least the last 18 years you have been preparing grocery trips and meals around this person. Then suddenly one day you put leftovers in the fridge with the assumption it won't be there tomorrow, and you are utterly shocked when you open those doors and there sits the takeout container - with no bites taken out of it!

I am sure I will get used to this, but...just when I do, she will be home on break and will be sneaking my food again.

No one Prepared me for This

I am going to let you in on a little secret. Lean in a bit closer, no one is listening to us are they? I am going to tell you a parenting secret that no one told me when I set off on this adventure called parenthood. And since we are friends, I am going to share this secret with you because it is an important bit of information.

One day your little baby will grow up and leave the house. I know...shocker right?? No one ever told me this! They told me about the sleepless nights after I brought home my newborn, the diaper blowouts, projectile vomiting, the terrible twos, just to name a few. Oh sure, they eluded to some day your child leaving your house, but it was more of an excuse as to why we couldn't currently do something "Oh, the minute my kid turns 18 they are moving out and we will travel again!" or it was a threat to your child when they misbehaved "The minute you turn 18, you are moving out or I will be charging you rent. Then you will know what it is like to be an adult!"

In theory you know that there is a very good possibility that, as your child gets closer to graduating high school, they will consider going off to college. But as a parent you kind of are in denial even as the college acceptance letters come in, and you and the fam go on tours of college campuses. Then the next thing you know, you are finalizing the financial paperwork, and are using your best Tetris skills to fit everything your child will need at college into the car AND still fit all necessary family members. 

Even if you are lucky enough to have a child going to college near by, it is still a life changer. That child that has been by your side every day for the last 18 years will no longer be a bedroom door away. You may find yourself ready to nag your child for the 10th time to empty the dishwasher but then realize, that is your job now because they are off at school. 

We are not the first to let our babies fly the coup, and we won't be the last. I know that doesn't really make it any easier to deal with. Just know you are not alone! Lean on your mom (or dad squads), lean on your partners and coworkers. Maybe you need an emotional support pet (ignore your partner if they veto this option! They are just in denial and don't know what they are saying! You DO need a support pet!

Make sure to still be there for your child, but remember to take care of yourself at all. Together we will get through this!